Starbucks Coffee Shops: Bathroom Advertising

So I was, as I am most days, inside of a Starbucks Coffee Shop today doing some work. It was at today’s Starbucks Coffee Shop in Redlands California that I noticed it; it’s probably something that’s been going on forever. Advertising in the Starbucks Coffee Shop bathrooms. I have enough of an issue wading my way through underground subway snippets of Starbucks advertising or sitting in gridlock traffic glaring up at these chilled out Starbucks-as-a-way-of-life billboards which are in every major metropolitan area from San Diego to Portland Maine; now I need to be told I need to drink Starbucks while I’m in the bathroom of a Starbucks?

The one thing I can always appreciate about Starbucks is their bathrooms. Except at the most busily understaffed urban areas where the homeless control the inflow and baristas can’t keep up, the Starbucks bathrooms are largely clean! Imagine that; a public restroom for the people! But it was today while wading through mounds of paperwork when the mood struck to pay the potty a visit that I noticed it. I was only in this Redlands California Starbucks bathroom for a minute; as I stood there, looking at the picture, reading the words, and still trying to take care of my business, I suddenly got really annoyed.

“Can you spot the coffee made from 3% of the world’s best coffee beans?”

As you can see from these attached photographs I scored, the writing on this wall was as glib as anything. “3% of the world’s best coffee beans” -What does that even mean? How do you define the world’s coffee beans? Do you just use 3% of the world’s best and another 97% of the world’s worst coffee beans? Does that mean there’s a 97% chance (A+) that I’m drinking bad coffee despite using เครื่องบดกาแฟมือหมุน? Of course, that’s not what it means, but a guy can take in information differently while standing in the lavatory.

I imagined the other faceless cups on this picture were like “Folgers,” “Maxwell House,” “Peets,” or the old maid in the retail business, “Dunkin Doughnuts.” So I’m standing there trying to read this sign, trying to decipher the Starbucks marketing department’s coded language, when suddenly I got really upset! This isn’t what I should be thinking about in the bathroom!

Okay, Starbucks! Okay! We get it! You’ve won! You are the best coffee maker around! I will always bow down to your Sirens Song! And anyway, what the heck are you trying to prove? I’m already here in your bathroom, removing your digested product! Why do you have to intrude on this one moment of solitude I have?